A Related Rant

WARNING: CONTAINS MUSICAL SPOILERS. PROCEED AT OWN RISK.

After seeing The Boy From Oz, I've decided that it's time to prohibit the use of previously existing pop songs as the score (or part of the score) of musicals. Maybe I've been spending too much time with my Sondheim, who is a master of the specificity of the musical moment, but every time I hear a shoehorned pop ditty as a character's expression of her thoughts or feelings, I'm yanked out of the scene by the ridiculous inappropriateness of the lyrics.

For example, in The Boy From Oz, Peter Allen's mother turns to her son, emotionally devastated by his father's suicide, and sings "Don't Cry Out Loud." It's meant to explain the mother's philosophy of showing only one's good side to the world, and it's a lesson Peter takes to heart. However, the lyrics that Peter's mother sings are:

"Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, Learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all..."

Given that Peter's about eight years old at that point, I'm curious as to what his mother means by "had it all." Is a prediction for his future? A statement about the inevitability of leaving childhood behind? And what about all of that stuff about Baby and the circus? Is lost love equivalent to parental suicide?

It's enough to make a musical junkie roll her nearsighted eyes.

A song meant to be sung by one adult to another can't just be spliced in as a ballad of motherly advice. These pop songs have an assumed narrator and an assumed audience. "Don't Cry Out Loud" is about the importance of maintaining your dignity when your plans for life fail. It is about moving on and not giving up. It is manifestly not about teaching your child to hide his childhood pain behind a mask of smiles and saucy jokes. That moment needs another song.

Another example: "Movin' Out." After Tony comes home from Vietnam, he and Brenda find themselves involved in a highly sexual, violent, mutually destructive relationship. This relationship is shown in a scene scored by "Big Shot." On one hand, the song is musically perfect for the choreography - the guitar and the drum beat highlight the sudden, aggressive moves of the two dancers. However, the lyrics tell another story:

"You went uptown riding in your limousine
In your fine Park Avenue clothes
You had the Dom Perignon in your hand
And the spoon up your nose..."

Really? These two broke kids from Long Island living in a crowded downtown apartment? Tell me more.

"They were all impressed with your Halston dress
And the people that you knew at Elaine’s
And the story of your latest success
Kept ’em so entertained..."

I think it's safe to say that Brenda's never had a Halston, and that neither she nor Tony knows anyone at Elaine's. The music suits the scene, but the lyrics make no sense. Actually, this lyrical incongruence is a problem throughout the show, for the simple reason that Billy Joel didn't write all of his songs with the same characters or the same narrator. Lyrically, "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" doesn't take place in the same world as "Big Man on Mulberry Street." (Nothing takes place in the same world as "We Didn't Start the Fire," a song that is all wrong for this show.) The music and the dancing work together wonderfully, but in order for the show to make sense, you've got to completely ignore the lyrics. That fact, more than the pure dance aspect of the show, makes "Movin' Out" not a real musical.

Don't even get me started on "Total Eclipse of the Heart" in Dance of the Vampires. I'll give $5 (virtual, of course) to anyone who can tell me by what a heart could be eclipsed.

I'm not against pop musicians composing Broadway scores - I've heard that the music for Taboo is quite good, and I'm looking forward to seeing it. (But who knows how I'll react to the inclusion of "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?") I'm just sick of someone taking existing songs, looking at the titles and thinking, "Yeah, that's close enough." Close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes, buddy. Write some new frickin' songs.